I want to walk on stilts...naked
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
