I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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