omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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