i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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