I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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