Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Randomize
