Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
