You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
