Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
