I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
