I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
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