I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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