okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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