Midget sex pt 2 tonight
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Randomize
