Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
