I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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