This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
