My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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