kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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