I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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