there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
