I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
