im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
