I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Randomize
