I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
