Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
