how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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