Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
