i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
