in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
A bitchslap is in order.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
