We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
