You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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