I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
