All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize