Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
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