i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
