It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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