I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
