I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
