I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
