Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
