My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
