Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
