If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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