Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
