i would punch a child for taco bell
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize