Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
