so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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