"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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