Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Is it because I queefed?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Randomize
