I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
