Hey man sorry I got all grabby
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
