Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i think i have two assholes
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
