Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
