life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
