I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
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