I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Randomize
