So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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