Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
