Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Couch. On fire.
Randomize