i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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