i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
