True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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