Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Boobs are out for the taking
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize