I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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